Having my writing featured in a second anthology, and my first traditionally published project feels both surreal and exciting. I first submitted this piece in the summer of 2024, so to hold it in print over a year later feels like receiving a gift I’d almost forgotten was on its way.
My chapter in Beyond Blue shares my second postpartum experience, the one I haven’t spoken about much. As with many things in motherhood, it wasn’t what I expected. My firstborn’s congenital heart disease and open-heart surgery at six months meant much of my early motherhood was consumed by fear, hospital visits, and survival. By the time my second baby arrived, I thought it would be easy to have a healthy baby. But postpartum anxiety crept in, leaving me feeling disconnected and questioning where my maternal instinct has been misplaced.
It used to bother me that I wasn’t a baby person. But now, looking at my two school-aged kids, I see that I am a good mum. My path into motherhood didn’t look like it should on blogs and social media, but it’s turning out just fine: frustrating, messy, hilarious, exhausting, rewarding and full of love and snuggles.
Beyond Blue brings postpartum realities into the light. This anthology is an honest, compassionate, and empowering collection that breaks the silence around postpartum mental health. In its pages, twenty-six mothers share diverse experiences, from heartbreak to hope, helplessness to healing, reminding us that it’s not all what we think it is and we’re never alone in the invisible struggles of early motherhood.
Two excerpts from my story:
Catastrophic newspaper headlines ran through my head one after another, all starring me, the neglectful mother who chose not to join her family for an afternoon at the park. I cried a lot that afternoon, goose-bumps and sweat covering my arms and back. I texted my husband and when he didn’t reply within a minute, I called. He was pushing my son on the swing and said he didn’t hear his phone. I shouted, asking where the baby was, and he assured me she was asleep in the stroller a few feet away. The moment I hung up the phone, I wanted to call right back.
…..
I decided I didn’t have postpartum depression. Clearly, my constant worry and frequent panic attacks were validated, because those feelings had to mean something. It was reality that at any moment, something could happen that would rip apart my perfect family. I had good reason to be on edge. My fears were intuitions and premonitions.
I tried to enjoy the sweet moments. I marvelled at the bedtime routine between my toddler and husband, walks to the farmers’ market and the growing bond between my two children. But I was rarely present for these experiences. I looked around for what could fall if an earthquake struck, or wondered if there was a doctor at the market should my toddler choke on his croissant. Nights became the worst as I lay awake with a tight chest, wondering if I was the one who would die suddenly, instead of them. I left notes tucked away for my family, telling them I loved them, hoping they’d find them once I was gone. I stockpiled food, preparing for the inevitable earthquake that would flatten our apartment building.
Huge thank you to editors Oga Nwobosi and Christina Myers and to Caitlin Press for shining light on this important topic.
If you’d like to read my story, alongside the deeply moving experiences of 25 other mothers, the best way to support this project is to order through your local bookstore. Just click Shop Your Local Bookstore at this link: Beyond Blue | Caitlin Press.
Then, you’re not only supporting independent bookstores, but also helping amplify these important conversations around postpartum mental health. I’m honoured to be part of this collection, and I hope the stories within bring connection, compassion, and hope to anyone who needs them. 💙
Also, come celebrate with us at the book launch on October 18th!
